Our Open Adoptions

After I mentioned in a post that Riley's birthmom visited us last spring, Stephanie (who writes one of my favorite blogs) asked about our open adoption and my thoughts on the subject. I emailed my response to her and then held on to that response.

I know open adoption is something that a lot of people wonder about. People who know us and know a little about our relationships with Riley and Asher's birthfamilies might be curious. People who are considering adoption for their own family are likely interested and even a little anxious. In honor of National Adoption Month, I'm sharing my response to Stephanie here.

We lived in Austin, Texas for a few years while my husband was doing grad school. That's where we went through infertility procedures, where we applied and were approved for adoption, and ultimately Riley was born in San Antonio. We got together with her birthmother, Mandy, three times between the placement and when we moved to Colorado less than two years later. For the last year we were in Austin, and continuing after we moved, our contact with Mandy was always through email, and was infrequent and irregular. We were very reassuring to her that we wanted as much contact as she was comfortable with. But she was a teenage girl going through a very tough time, and she needed that space.

We started emailing a little more regularly early in 2010. Then one night that spring, while my husband and I were in a Saturday evening Stake Conference meeting, I got a very strong impression that we should invite Mandy to come visit us. Scot and I talked about it and we agreed that we should follow that prompting. But I didn't know how to approach it with Mandy. It seemed a little out of the blue, and I didn't want her to feel like we were pressuring her in any way. So I stewed over it for a week or two, until I had a dream one night that a couple I knew and whose child I cared about very much were moving to Tennessee. I woke up wondering again how Mandy felt when we told her we were moving away from Texas.

I didn't waste any time after that dream. I emailed her and told her exactly the thoughts and feelings that had been on my mind, and extended the invitation to fly her up here for a visit. She replied the same day and told me that she'd love to come. She got the time off work, I booked her ticket, and the rest is history.

We've been very open with Riley about her adoption story, and will be with Asher when he's just a little older. Her understanding is limited by her age, but she knows that she grew in Mandy's tummy and that Mandy loves her very much because she was her Mom before I was. Riley loved having Mandy here. What three-year-old wouldn't love having an extra person around to play with them, read to them, and give them hugs and attention?

As for Mandy and me, that week brought us a lot closer together. We know each other as individuals now, not just through our roles in Riley's life. We're Facebook friends now, and keep in touch that way. I expect there will be more visits from Mandy in the future, and someday when our kids our older we'll definitely take them to San Antonio to visit Mandy, Six Flags, and Sea World.

We frequently include one or both of their birthmoms in our family and personal prayers. We love and honor those two women for the incredibly selfless choices that they made for their children. I'm sure both kids will have questions as they get older and Scot and I will do our best to answer them. But there will also be questions that we won't have answers to, and for that reason (among many others), I hope we will be able to maintain contact with both their birthfamilies. That way the channels will already be open for those sorts of discussions.

We don't really have any way of knowing that the way we're handling things is best. There is plenty of research showing that kids from open adoptions fare better than those from closed adoptions. But not only is every child different, every birthmom is too. We just take things one step at a time, pray a lot, and try to do what seems best for everyone.