Brothers

At the moment, Asher is probably more fond of the new shirt
than the new brother.

When we were preparing to bring Tyson home we really didn't know what to expect upon his arrival in our family. I felt like there were a lot of things I could worry about, but not much I could do to prepare for any of them. Aside from Tyson himself, I worried most about how Asher would handle the transition from being the youngest in the family, and the only little brother.

One night while we were visiting Scot's family, I was talking to his Mom about some of my concerns about the upcoming change, and the approach that Scot and I thought would work best for our family. I hadn't even mentioned Asher specifically when she shared a thought with me that I turned into a really useful piece of advice. She told me that she thought Asher would be our "ace in the hole." (Those are probably my words, not hers.) She predicted that Tyson would look to Asher more than anyone else to see how he was handling any given situation, and then would model Asher's behavior. It made perfect sense to me! Of course. Why hadn't I thought of it myself?

Let me backtrack for a second. Riley was nearly 22 months old when Asher joined our family. We told her repeatedly in the weeks leading up to Asher's birth, and still after he was born, that her most important job in our family was to make Asher happy. Her job hasn't changed, and when the two of them are having conflicts, we remind Riley of her most important job. Fortunately, she is very good at this job. Riley is a very nurturing person, and nearly every time Asher wants something that she is playing with, she'll hand it over to him without a fuss, and go find something else to play with.

So I immediately thought of "Riley's job" when my mother-in-law made that comment about Asher being the key to Tyson's transition. I knew that not only was she likely right about that, but that being given some responsibility for Tyson's transition would help Asher adjust to the new family dynamic as well. That very night, as we were tucking them into their beds, I asked Riley to explain to Asher what her job was, and why it is important to our family. Scot and I then explained to Asher that his job in our family would be to keep Tyson happy, as soon as he came home. We continued to remind him and talk to him about his job over the few days.

Asher is 16 months older, about 3 inches taller, and 5 pounds heavier
than Tyson.

Over the last two weeks, I've seen just how smart or inspired (or both) my mother-in-law was. Tyson watches and mimics both Riley and Asher, but is clearly more interested in what Asher is doing, and follows him around a lot more than Riley. As we have been dealing with Tyson's resistance to any affection or comfort from me, I've often thought that Asher's sweet, cuddly nature has got to be a good example for Tyson. When he sees Asher sitting on my lap, or offer me a hug and a kiss for no particular reason, it can only help him learn that he can trust me.

Even with a responsibility, this transition has not been an easy one for Asher. Riley's generosity seems to be to Asher's detriment in this situation. He has almost never had to fight for anything. He's always gotten his way. So to have this new kid come into his home, snatch away his toys, hit him, and sometimes even try to bite him, has really thrown Asher. He's a sweet kid, and there is just no chance he's going to fight back (at least not yet). So he just reports these unfair incidents to me or Scot like he's been personally offended. (Fortunately Asher has only been hurt once in all the times Tyson has swung at him or tried to bite.)

We are intensely trying to curb Tyson's aggression, and at the same time, teach Asher and Riley what they can do differently to avoid setting him off. It's a learning process for all of us. But thankfully Tyson's moments of ferocity have become less common. I suspect that it was, in part, a reaction to being thrown into such an unfamiliar situation. And I'm confident that as they both get a little older, and they become accustomed to one another, these two brothers will also become great friends.