Adjustments

After being home for a week and a half now, we continue in our transition from a family of 4 to a family of 5 (or as I call it, moving from man-to-man to zone defense). There are adjustments for Tyson, for Riley and Asher, and for us.

As I've mentioned, Tyson has had a strong attachment to me that occurred almost immediately. We found this out on the plane ride home when I got up to go to the bathroom and he freaked out. For the first week, he wouldn't let me out of the room without crying, whining, and/or chasing after me. I made sure that he had to work for it though, and made him go up and down the stairs on his own. We really don't know for sure why he attached to me so strongly, but he did seem close to his foster father. The other guess is that Becca has blonde hair and it's scary and foreign to him. I did take Tyson in to work after a few days to turn in some insurance forms and he held close to me when I talked to a few women. But when a man came by and started talking, Tyson smiled at him and started to bow his head (we saw this on the plane when the Korean attendants would go by). Another man came walking down the hall and he bowed to him as well. At church, he stopped and waved and bowed his head to a half-Japanese teenage girl. So, maybe men and people with dark hair is what he is familiar with.

We've really tried to do things to help him bond with Becca (and her to him), including playing with him, picking him up, etc. when I'm around, so he gets more comfortable with her. This obviously will be essential when I return to work. I've left for an hour here or there to run errands so that he gets used to me leaving and coming back. The first time, he cried almost the whole time. Now, he sees me go and seems ok with it.

Riley reading Tyson a book the first time I left to run some errands. You can't tell from this picture, because he's really intrigued by the camera, but he was listening to Riley and paying pretty close attention.

Tyson is a voracious eater. He has eaten everything we have put in front of him and he eats a lot of it. He definitely out-eats Asher (and also at least twice the speed because Asher is a slow eater), and sometimes Riley and Becca. He is happiest while eating and afterwards. He was used to snacking all day, so we've transitioned him to a more regular meal schedule.

Our biggest challenge has been sleeping habits. It's pretty typical that bedtime is when a child's grief shows up. They can stay distracted through the day, but when they slow down to sleep, all those thoughts and the pain shows up. As far as we understand, he slept on a mat in the same room as his foster parents. The first nights were really tough. Part of this was due to jet lag, I'm sure, but also setting new boundaries and getting into a routine and familiar with his surroundings. For the first few nights, Becca slept on a mattress next to him. He would scream for 30 minutes, cry for another 10-20, then stubbornly just sit and doze off and finally fall over and sleep. He generally sleeps through the night, but he does stir and move a lot. He usually ends up in some spot on the carpet all around the room. Now, we sit in a chair and have him lay down on his bed. At first he resisted and tried to leave the room, but we would pick him up and put him back, and the crying has diminished. Once he falls asleep, we leave the room, and in the morning (or after nap), he will come out of the room or give a little cry and we'll get him and he seems fine with that. While these sleep problems have been REALLY hard, they are perfectly normal for an adopted toddler, and actually a healthy sign that he's working through his grief.

One of the hard parts in this transition is determining what is manifest because of grief/mourning/taking him from everything he knew, and what is manifest because he is 19-months-old. We've found he is intelligent, stubborn, persistent, playful, goofy and has a fairly long attention span for his age.

Tyson has quickly picked up on a few things that have helped in communication. We only have to show him or repeat things a few times before he picks it up. He learned the sign for 'eat' within a couple of days of being home, and learned 'more' a day or two later. Now we're working on 'all done' and 'please'. He will usually point or pull/push us towards what he wants. He also understands a lot from us and picks up on cues from the other kids, like when we are getting ready to go somewhere he will find his shoes when he sees Riley and Asher putting theirs on.

The kids have had to adjust. Asher is going through the obvious transition of having a little brother. He's not used to another kid taking his toys or getting in the way. Riley has been super helpful (sometimes a little too much so). The newness has worn off and we have had to tell Asher that Tyson is staying with us (he's said things like, "when Tyson goes back ...", which is normal for any youngest that has now been replaced by a new kid).

Overall, every day seems a little bit better, with Tyson venturing out a little more or feeling more comfortable or sleeping better. The screams and cries have lowered in volume and duration and his behavior to the other kids has improved as they get used to each other. Tyson is starting to stay with the kids and play with them while I leave the room/go upstairs and has also followed them down to the basement, which is really great for his progress.

Each day sometimes feels like a week, but looking at him now, a week and a half later, he's already so different and so much more well adjusted. We know that it will continue and hopefully we can look back and see that reaching a new equilibrium didn't really take that long.